It's January 15th. There's a beautiful, bright yellow glow of sunshine streaming into my house. The ground outside is covered with shiny white snow. Do I dare go outside and play in it? Nope. Here I sit, in my pj's drinking my coffee and watching a cheesy movie on the Bounce network. I know I should be workout out or cleaning my house, but I just can't seem to get moving. It's almost noon and I've done nothing productive, except make breakfast. Why have I felt so drained lately? I need a big burst of energy. I need to get things done. But, here I sit. Lazy as ever. Feeling as if my life will never truly change. I know change is something that I can control. But lately it feels like no matter how hard I try to do things differently, the more I revert back to my old lazy self. I feel like a failure. What happened to me? I used to be unstoppable. The best at everything I tried. Now, I can't even be ok at what I try. Am I not trying hard enough? Or do I just not care about the things I'm trying to change about my life? Maybe it's a little of both. So, how do I fix this? Maybe I can't. All I know is, I cannot keep doing this. I need to find something I truly care about. I need to find a life. I might be alive, but I'm not really living. And I'm getting entirely too good at faking it to others.
Sorry, I know this one sounds depressing. Just trying to get out some feelings of inadequacy that have been haunting me the last few days. Don't worry about me. I'm a survivor. I'll find my way. Eventually.
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